It was all so dark that I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders...
I stepped aside and made the biggest move yet and called the doctor to make an appointment. Why am I not feeling better? Why am I so sad?
Anything I was doing to try and improve my mood just did not seem to work and no matter how hard I tried my mood would stay below that FINE state.
Determined not to go down this path and wanting to fight this on my own did not seem possible anymore and no matter what I tried it was not working. Not only worrying for everyone around me but I did not understand why I could not feel better. I felt so miserable like the dark cloud was looming over the top of me with no way out.
As I battled back and forward after making this huge step into the surgery I go.
I sat down on the chair in the doctors office and I burst into tears before I could even say one word. I believe it was so over whelming for me and I knew what I was in for and this build up inside amongst actually admitting I need help; I crumbled. Once I managed to calm myself down I spoke my first words to the doctor, “
I need help... I can't do this anymore. Please help me feel better.”
Explaining my story was a weight off my mind and there were no debates on whether or not I needed anything else but this to help me. Whilst inside I really did not want to go on medication I felt the need to have a little helping hand. For so long I tried many things to help me and it was not working anymore.
The doctor's words, “If you were asthmatic would you not take your inhaler? If you are diabetic would you not take your insulin? It is the SAME thing. You need this to make you feel better.”
Described to me which helped me massively was when you are feeling in an 'OK' mood you feel level and quite content (without feeling depressing or anxious). When you are happy this level goes rather high and when you are sad it may dip but it comes back up to this level of 'NORMAL'.
When you are feeling low or depressed / anxious this 'NORMAL' level does not seem possible to reach. You feel happy, yes sometimes, rather rare but it does not quite reach that line. When I say normal is there such a thing? I mean a person's mood is able to handle the sad, the happy and all other emotions the human body deals with but when we are in a state of sadness I don't think the brain can register with us properly.
Now I am no doctor but it was explained really well to me and to be honest this was my last resort. I felt so low and ashamed of having to go through this that I just wanted to feel better.
There is such a stigma on medication and whether you should take it or not. I have had or heard comments maybe not directly at me but whilst in conversation “I would never take medication”, “What if you can never come off of it?”, “Is it not dangerous?” Only a few to mention but there are such strong opinions on this. I barely told anyone I started taking medication minus a few close friends and family for a little support.
THE BEST THING I EVER DID…
I have been medication free for about a month now and I have to say I am feeling better than ever. I get my days and my moments of anxiety like everyone but I am so much happier and content with myself and with life. I was on them for about a year and a half but they saved my life. I really must mention that although you are getting a helping hand you need to put in a lot of effort from you. It is tough going but hard work really does pay off. Medication will not work solely on its own, its an aid and as much as I am lucky the first one I tried helped, many people I am sure take medicine and it does not agree with them or it takes a while for things to settle. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.
Even while I am writing this I feel a bit vulnerable, as this is my journey it may be different for you. I just want to share my story to try and help show people there is light or there is a way and please feel no shame to getting that help you need. It is ok.
This may show someone feeling a bit vulnerable right now that maybe take that step and go to the doctors or speak to someone for some advice.
At this moment I am medication free, however, I am mindful I may need to go back on it, you never know. Life is tough and there are so many different pressures we all deal with.
Again this is my journey, I wanted to share not only that this helped me but I want to try and make people believe that this is ok to get help it is not a bad thing. I think I maybe pondered around for a while before approaching this and I have to say it honestly was the best thing I did. Depression and anxiety can come hand-in-hand and when you feel like you are on a downward spiral and no way out - I needed out of the dark place!
I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say when you are in a dark place the last thing you see or feel is light and warmth. You just feel so lost.
Going from a place of despair and misery to coming out the other side feeling so happy and excited for life and what is right now and what is ahead is such a gorgeous feeling that I did not think I would feel. I honestly get teary when I talk about it sometimes. It really fills me with so much happiness to think I am better. Thanks to the medication as I think it saved my life. It was such a huge part in my recovery.
To make people more aware is to talk about it, which I believe is something we struggle with especially Mental Health. Myself included, and as I sit here when I was in a bad state of mind I wanted to hide away or paint the smile on which is what most of us do when we struggle. Please talk about it.
This statement touched me:
Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope.
That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is so very different.
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