Looking out and into other people's lives and think they have the world? We sometimes wonder or assume what others are thinking, and we have no clue. What is going on in their minds? What is happening? For so long I can only really explain how I was PAINTING that smile on. It has taken a while but I feel so comfortable with what I am about to explain and I almost thank it and the experience for bringing me to where I am today.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...You cannot physically go on any more, you can't keep Smiling on the outside but crying on the inside...its exhausting! I think the fact is, I did not want anyone to know or see how SAD I really was. I would just let it all build up and then cry on my own time and be sad in silence, almost like living two different lives. I think for me the breaking point was when my health started to deteriorate...stress was killing me and my relationship was DEAD. I was living a huge lie, not only to myself but to the whole world...my family, friends & all my loved ones but most importantly myself. I felt as if I was in denial. It may be easy to say this when I am now an outsider looking in but hey this was my life. This was how I lived and was made to feel. I ended up a shell of whom I was and I didn't even recognize myself any more. I questioned everything. The pain was horrendous, like someone ripped my heart out...a shadow of my former self...crumbling to the ground...the whole world had gone dark, it was OVER. I could no longer paint that smile on & I could no longer function with daily life. I felt so low, it was heartbreaking. I had a daily struggle of trying to pull myself together with a mixture of giving up alongside it. Each day was a blur and I was just plodding along. I felt like I had no purpose which yes to all my loved one's may seem so cruel and unfair but this was it, this was what was going on in my head. It would not leave and I couldn't lift my mood no matter how hard I tried. I had two choices...I sit and wallow in self-pity and the past or I get up and get on with my life and start shining again!
I think moving home to Scotland from Dubai has undoubtedly saved my life. Social media can play its part in making sure everyone back home and anyone who was on my social media following me at the time could see that I was having the TIME OF MY LIFE. Yes to the outsider I was. I had the best lifestyle, lots of friends around me but I was so SAD. Do not get me wrong I had some amazing times and it was all very enjoyable however I was suffering extreme panic attacks and a general over all feeling of worthlessness. I felt like I should not be here or I did not deserve to be here. Why am I always in pain.? Why do bad things keep happening to me?! Living miles away from your close friends and family is difficult at the best of times but when you are struggling it is so hard to manage. I took on the burden of how everyone else was or would be feeling to carry all of this pain on me as I did not want anyone to worry about me or see that I was in a bad place. I guess you could say
I was protecting them and I think if I did open up and admit I was struggling it would be REAL and I could not hide any more. I was living two lives for the best part of two years in a false relationship. Having never been in love before and for the first time to be with someone who was living a lie and did not love me like they said - BROKE MY HEART! Losing my dream job and most of all losing who I was.
Being described as a ray of sunshine, happy, smiling I so wish this was how I truly felt - It has been my mask for so long. I guess I got good at hiding how sad I really was. In my life I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for and I am very lucky in some respects but in some areas not so much. What I punished myself for was being TOO NICE. Kirsty, you are too nice, you need to stop being so nice...people take advantage of this unfortunately and I feel like I have been a victim for a very long time always feeling like I need to change and I am the one in the wrong. The fact was, I did not want to change who I was but it was the way I was made to feel over the years, putting me in this horrible position and questioning who I am as a person. With having low self-worth and low self-esteem which has stemmed from way back as a young girl I feel I have carried it pretty much since I was 11 years old. If you do not value you, then who will? It really hit home when I was having a conversation with my dad and he said the words to me 'Please don't ever change'. It made me cry a lot that day. I think my dad made me realise or something clicked this day when he said this to me and it just made sense. I know he is my dad and of course parents would say this to their children but it was what I needed to hear. I put the most pressure on myself and there comes a point in time where the reality does not meet the expectations and it comes crashing down around you with nowhere to turn to. I have always wanted to do well in life and make something of myself, after all who doesn't?
How do you love yourself? This common I found myself asking...
I hear it a lot. You need to value you and love you. I have always really struggled with this my whole life. From low self-esteem to bad relationships, to not having the confidence in yourself no matter what anyone would say to you. How can I do this when the constant pain of being let down or hurt won't leave me. I ALWAYS feel like I am never good enough for anyone or anything. The strong sense that I have failed in life and that strong dislike towards myself. It is rather disturbing and really to be quite honest this made me so very sad that I could not lift the dark cloud that lingered around me. This would not leave me...This horrible pain would not go. Most days I would tear up at almost anything (yes I am very emotional as a person) but this was not normal. Anything would set me off and people would be walking on egg shells around me scared to upset me as I was so sensitive.
One thing is for sure I do thank my journey I have been on as I believe it has made me stronger as a person and I have a whole new outlook towards life, like I did before. Do
I think or sometimes believe you need to go through the pain and trouble to appreciate the good? YES! However, there is a big part of me that does think how on earth is this even remotely humane to go through all of this?! When things start to fall into place this is when you do look back on things and appreciate how far you have come and really it has made you into the person you are and for that I am grateful.
The reason I wanted to share my story is to help other people maybe in a similar situation or maybe struggling with their own situation right now and wonder is there a way out?! The answer is YES!! No matter how tough or hard things maybe there is always help and light at the end...If I can have anything come out of my experience it would be to help other people and at least have used my experience to shine some light on others to reassure you that you are not alone.
Where it all began.... Part 2 X To continue reading
