From the very young age of 11 years old I began my journey at high school like every other 11 year old and in my situation i am sure there were nerves and excitement and among those feelings a little bit of anxiety. Whilst we have so many different personalities and traits in one another and you are moving from the comfort of primary to suddenly having so many people around you .. It was rather over whelming. Things started to get so very scary so very quickly for me.
I was once the smiling , confident young girl who was actually quite bossy may I add... To then moving into this horrible place. It was like my mind was in a completely different zone and place from everyone else. I went into a shell and suddenly developed such fears and was in time losing who I was as a person. I am sure most of you will agree that at this age its a very difficult time for a young lady or man and you are growing into a teenager and have so many emotions running through your head. I was sitting after being forced by my parents to go and see a psychologist thinking.... How on earth did this happen?! How did I get here..
It was a fast process .. so fast that it all feels like a blur.
I was so young and so unwell. At the time I did not realise how unwell I was and I did not know how to actually get out of this. Scarily thin and withdrawn and sitting there with the only real thoughts going through my head... ' I am FAT , 'HORRIBLE', I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE' I HATE MYSELF. I lost my relationship with food and it took over my life.
I was starving myself .... I would survive on nothing pretty much most days and pretend to eat to my close family , wearing baggy clothes to hide the skeletal frame that was living behind. I became withdrawn and did not want to socialise with anyone. All I thought about was food. I Didn't deserve to eat and people would judge me and look at me and think why is she eating this she is so FAT and needs to stop eating ( this was all in my head of course)
I would look in the mirror and see this FAT person looking back at me.
Rather traumatic as you will probably imagine to all my family and my friends at the time as they were seeing something completely different from myself. I find it hard to explain from such a young age as well that before I knew it I was starving myself and in a situation i could not just get out of.
My parents were just so lost and worried and were not sure what to do as I was not co operating as there was nothing wrong in my eyes. I just wanted to be thin and this was my only goal no matter what was happening around me or who I was affecting it did not matter as all I thought about was food food food! It took over my thoughts as i was starving and I would want to eat so bad but i just could not bring myself to do it.
I got good at lying and I would be so sneaky about the information I provided as I was on my mission to get as thin as possible regardless of how healthy or unhealthy this was.
We were on our summer holidays one year in Blackpool and it was so hot! Everyone was very warm and having such a lovely time in the sunshine and with our family and I was frozen! I was shaking I was that cold and by this point I had got to my lowest weight of 5 and a half stone which is frightening! I collapsed that evening and went straight to the hospital where I was told that if I did not start eating this would not end so well.
I think this gave me such a fright! I was only 11 and to hear the doctor explain this I just could not believe it. It did not sink in quite at that point until we got the pictures developed from that holiday. I did not normally do pictures or like to even look in the mirror but they managed to get a couple of me in them.
THIS BROKE MY HEART into a million pieces.. quite frankly I was in shock.
I can't explain how it took one picture to shock me and scare me into reality but it did. I saw what everyone else was looking at and i was dying.
I did not want to die .. what was happening how did this happen to me?
With being so young it was hard to understand and not only this but to get better. I had to now make myself better how was this possible.? How do I move in the right direction and what help can i get? With much help from the psychologist, family counselling sessions and help from my loving family we managed through these testing times to say the least.
It was moments of moving forward and doing well until maybe someone made a comment or I weighed myself on those awful scales then it was game over again and we had to start all over. An uphill battle you could say!
I was obsessed with that number on the scales this was all that mattered now it was good when the number went down but when this went up it was as if my world had ended i was FAT. No reasoning with me.. that was it!
One time when we did weigh in I was 1 pound over 6 stone.. I hear you its terrifying,.. but this broke me I did not want to be over 6 stone for some reason this was not good and it tore me up this evening that it happened. I started to bawl my eyes out and get so upset that my dad found this very hard to watch. The scales went into the trash on this very day and I have never weighed myself since willingly I go with my clothes and how I feel rather than the weight I am.
As i was on the road to recovery I started to slowly get a bit unwell and to what looked to my parents that I was going back to my old habits and not eating and going down the dark and upsetting roads once again , this was actually another illness I had to come to terms with - Type 1 Diabetes. Even now I was a very lucky girl to make it through this and at the time it was pretty obvious that i was developing this as I had every symptom going! It was a shame as the Anorexia clouded all judgement on this one and make us really dismiss anything else was wrong or the fact something was wrong.
I think Diabetes saved my life if i am truly honest this is why I cannot be mad at it. I believe that it did and that if i didn't get this I do not know where my life would have ended up (which is just as well) As much as I wish I didn't have it its something I need to live with and I accept is manageable and you can live a perfectly normal life with it if you look after yourself.
I guess what I am saying here is Mental Illness is not something to dismiss. It is so hideous how one day you are fine and then you are suddenly what felt like I was catapulted into the unknown and it was rather difficult to escape. It took over my life and my thoughts to the point where I was being so unreasonable. It is not so easy to just get better or just eat if only it were?! I want to thank the wonderful doctors and psychologists who looked after me during this traumatic time and really your past is what makes you who you are today,. We all have one and in no way am I trying to play victim or play the sob story I am trying to help share my story to help others. If only we can be so kind in this world to do that and to stop judging people and their situations as you truly have no idea what is going on.
To the whole world it looks like you have just stopped eating and are choosing to get thin but it really is so much deeper than this. At one point i became ok with talking about it and as they say time is a healer. It is part of me and really this turned my thoughts into demons which took over my thoughts for a very very long time.
Imagine waking up every day and HATING what you see looking back at you? Imagine not wanting to eat in front of others as to what they thought of you. Imagine being so shy you get so embarrassed talking to anyone. Imagine thinking that you are so hideous and unlovable that no one would ever look at you. Your own worst enemy. CRUEL beyond belief and it breaks my heart as to actually think of anyone going through this is just truly awful.
I Am literally baring my all in the hope that this can help people it also helps me heal and talking about things has never been so helpful. I feel to talk things out helps me some people don't but in the end when you bottle everything inside there is no way out and the words you tell yourself do more damage and harm than any good.
Looking back now at the age of 31 and thinking all of those thoughts does make me sad and it makes me think it didn't happen to me. I think my whole attitude has changed with regards to food ( I LOVE it now and I love to eat) One of my favorite things to do is go out for dinner or do something that revolves around food! I also really love to socialise now and some people may only know me for this smiley, outgoing Kirsty and wonder how could this be? It has not only took years of help from others it has took me years of self help. As I have said before the only person who can help you is really you.
You can have all the help in the world and to hand and of course it aids you to get and feel better but it will not change unless you do. One small step at a time.
If only you could just go back and tell your younger self some healing words or give yourself a hug and say everything will be ok. If you could do this how amazing would this be?
I feel with age comes a whole different outlook on life people who matter, things that matter and what indeed does not matter. We have choices in life, We take the paths we take and we have to endure the consequences of those actions and we need to accept that you cannot change the past. It is done, All you can do is move forward and appreciate that maybe you had to go through various situations in life to end up to where you are today. Oh how easy this is to say when you are out of the dark place i know.
Life is not perfect and it certainly is not sunshine and rainbows every day but I have learned how to be happy with me and my surroundings and really tried to focus on what matters. In the end you are only hurting you with worrying over other people and other peoples actions and words. I am a worrier and i over think to the maximum but i know this is part of me and I learn to control this to the best I can to help me be more content with life. It is hard and i know that when I was in my darkest place all you want is to feel happy yet it just feels so very far away. . . .