This year i want to be HAPPY. Can we define happy? What is it that makes you happy? What do you think happy looks like to others? We are all reaching for various different things to make us HAPPY.... But what exactly is this?
I strongly believe you need to be happy in the right now. Not for anyone else and not for the future but right now. It starts with YOU. It has taken a very long time for me to realize this and to actually put it into practice. I believe that we can sit and blame another person for the way we are feeling or we can sit and blame a particular situation for the way things turn out or happen to us but as a matter of fact WE are the ones who are in control. Life will throw so much at you, good and bad, and whilst we want to and we do enjoy the good we must be able to handle the bad to a certain degree or this would take over and make us extremely unhappy and miserable. Exactly what happened to me!
For so long I thought I was a victim of constant troubles and misery as I always felt that I was being punished or not allowed to have what everyone else had or so I thought? The thing is, I believed and carried pain from someone else's actions for so long I started to just believe that it was all meant to happen to me and that i was not supposed to be happy.... how sad is that? I was in a place where I took the negative out of everything. There could be lots and lots of lovely things discussed or shown and I would pick that one negative comment or activity out. It was such a negative outlook on everything which I guess is why everything spiralled out of control! I would start to pick myself up again or so I thought I did and then things came crashing down around me which was very painful but I do believe happened as I had such a negative mindset.
I started to look after myself and put me first. I would work on my own mental health and make sure I was at the gym or running out some of my stresses along with trying to build up a normal life back at home in Scotland after being away for a while. I started to believe in myself more and know that I was much more capable of what I actually gave myself credit for. I started to lift that dark cloud that was hanging over me. I stopped blaming the world and various people for me feeling sad. It sounds ridiculous as yes they may have caused a certain situation but do we just carry this sadness and burden around with us for the rest of our lives or do we take action and take our life back?
I know which one I wanted and i knew that if I didn't change my habits and my situation I would end up in an extremely dark place. This journey was not easy and if I am honest which is what I am doing this for I would say that anxiety is with me and it is something I have to learn to control. There are good days and bad days and some days I will wake up feeling wonderful and other days it is like the world is on my shoulders! This has subsided and for sure it's a much happier head space I am in and it truly has taken a very long time to get to this point. I think for me it's to take one day at a time and genuinely live for right now as I believe that when you think of the past (which I tend to do a lot of) you can't actually change this and you need to come to terms with events that have happened and what has not happened.
I think if I take it back to when things were really awful it got to the point I was just feeling so damn miserable that I really struggled with some daily activities such as going to work or sitting having that conversation and catch up with the girls. I would come home from work as fast as I could, get into my apartment and I would spend most evenings on my own tearing myself apart and crying my eyes out. I blamed myself for everything and anything that happened to me...it was all my fault. Being so far away from friends and family was so tough as I mentioned before. I believe that I took all the burdens and stress as I was keeping the truth from everyone. I became so very sad and it took its toll on me and the things around me. I was so irritable, I was so hard on myself and did not think I was good or was doing good at anything and I just had no confidence in myself. I would literally sit and tear myself apart bit by bit. The mornings were a struggle. That dread of getting up and putting that big smile on my face when in fact I just wanted to cry and be on my own.
I remember one specific night out I had with a group of friends for someone's birthday and we went along to this gorgeous restaurant and it was so lovely! Food was delicious, company was amazing and most of all it was with a close group of friends I had over there in Dubai that really to an outsider looking in it looked like the perfect little night. I started to get inside my own head whilst at the dinner table.... I remember being there and that is about it. I cannot remember the conversations and I do not remember much of the night apart from feeling so HIDEOUS. I say this out loud and it makes me feel so sad but this was how I felt. I had thoughts I did not deserve to be there and I did not deserve to be happy. My anxiety got the better of me this night and I had to excuse myself from the table and go and sit in a quiet spot for a bit. I can't explain this, I just don't understand what comes over me. I started to sweat very badly and get really emotional and I just really did not see light at the end of the tunnel for me. It was all so dark.
The thing with anxiety is it can affect everyone so differently and I guess it depends on the situation and the person. I can be sitting and then I start to over think a situation or a comment and before I know it, its spiralled out of control in my own head and that can be dangerous. This will never go away and I strongly feel this has all developed due to the extreme emotions I have been through over the past few years.
I have learned to control this and its something I need to be mindful of. Unfortunately this is extremely hard to explain to other people who do not quite understand and instead you do spend your time trying to detail and explain this feeling but really unless you are going through it you cannot understand this at all. Its horrific! It feels like you can't cope with anything and you feel like a failure. I have had such huge support from my loved ones to get me through such times and I will be forever grateful.
People always say go and get help, go and speak to someone but what if you do not want to do that? What if you feel like a burden? What if you literally just want to hide away and pretend everything is ok? The sad truth is this is the reality. We do not want to be a burden and when I say this I am sure I speak for other people as well hence the WE. However this is how I felt. I was carrying those thoughts and feelings and life pressures around scared to off load in case it hurt someone or they could not handle it. Instead I suffered in silence and put on that smile to get on with my day. What happened because of this was my mood just spiralled out of control and really went into a place I have never experienced before. The days were long and the thoughts were over powering to the point where I just wanted to be on my own and drown in my own thoughts. I would break at such minor things either said or done and I could barely see through the day without crying. I honestly had enough and just wanted some happiness to come my way when all I seen in my path was dark clouds that no sunshine could pass through. When surrounded by lots of people who love and care for you and so much support yet you feel so alone?! The overwhelming feeling of just feeling like you have no one. I know for sure this will hurt my friends and family when I say this but this was it this was the daily thoughts running through my head, albeit I was miles away in another country from my family I still had such a great network of people around me, yet it did not stop me from feeling so alone.
Mental illness is really such a haunting disease and without me trying to come across like I know it all, each situation is different as much as many people suffer and we suffer in different ways and we all have different abilities in need to change and get help. Getting help is what is needed and for sure this does aid you to get and feel better but it needs to come from you. You need to push yourself and you need to start making changes one day at a time...one hour at a time if need be but it will help you along the way. If I can give any advice it would be to do that. If you do not want to meet up with a friend that is ok, if you cancel plans that is ok, if you do want to be alone this is also ok. When it becomes not ok would be when it becomes the essential and a habit which creeps up and before you know it, this is all you are doing. Each day is different and there will be set backs along the way but as long as you are moving you will be moving in the right direction to finding yourself again and being who you are and people loving you for that.
I guess its easy for me to say now I am in a much happier place isn't it? For me I honestly have never felt happier and it makes me want to cry so much! I did not think this would come and I honestly from the bottom of my heart if you told me this would be how I would be feeling and my life at this current moment about a year or so ago I would have got upset and thought NEVER.
I see things clearer and I am more aware of my set backs and what does affect me more than it should, its having the power within you to alter your thought and turn it around.
It is asking for help or being more open about your thoughts without being scared and admitting actually I need some help please. No shame in this what so ever! It takes great courage to speak out and ask for help and its the first HUGE step in making that change you have always wanted.
Asking for help is what we all say to people suffering or speak up its all there in black and white but what people don't understand is its really not as simple as that. The struggle is real and to feel this pain is real, its truly a pain like no other and it feels so dark and draining and hurts so badly. If you can do anything ask yourself for help and make one little change which will open up to you feeling slightly better even if it is small. All you want is to feel better and it feels so so far away but small steps in the right direction will help you to get there and making changes for you regardless if you need to let someone down or put plans on hold.
I get set backs and I have my down days but they are now over shadowed by much happier and brighter days with only a few in between. Life isn't perfect and there are days where you are not in the mood or feel a little down and that is normal I guess we could say?
One recommendation is if you like reading or can make some time would be to read WHO MOVED MY CHEESE? It is a brilliant read and it is only small so does not take up too much time. It has some interesting points and a different outlook into making changes in your life.
If you want something you have never had then you need to be prepared to do things that you have never done!
Ultimately the only person who can change your life is YOU. X
